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Sunday, April 09, 2006

2:40.

2:40 am.

Can't sleep.
Too much caffeine in the bloodstream.
Kinda in a think-too-much-mode.
Missing the ghosts of yester-eons.
No matter how silly it seems.

Anyway, that rubbish aside,I think I've sort of got my priorities sorted today.
After MUCH MUCH MUCH thought and consultation with my good for nothing self and my good for everything bunch of lamers(LAST!) who basically do nothing but make me really really really happy (really, that's enough for me. :D), I've finally decided to quit hockey .

WHY?

1. I cannot commit.

Right now my number ONE priority in school, is(and really ought to be) my studies.
And frankly, the thought of four 4-hour long training sessions per week isn't really a very settling or reassuring fact to both my self and my parents.

2. I'm mentally and physically unable to keep up with the hockey team.

The "I WANT TO WIN" or "I MUST FIGHT FOR THE SCHOOL AND THE TEAM" mentality is truly non-existent in my deepest unconsciousness.
I'm sorry but I just don't have them.
Never had and never did.
All I wanted was to become stronger, both in terms of fitness and determination, to play better hockey and simply, have fun.

3. I think that my incompetence in anything and everything regarding hockey is pulling the team standards and morale down.

I don't want them to stunt their development just so I could somewhat catch up to them.
I don't want to face any more guilt-ridden or sympathy filled facades.

I don't want any of that anymore.

4. I'm simply not good at the sport.

No point in trying to be something you're not. No point in pursuing something contributing so much stress and depression into your daily list of sadness and disappointments.

5. I don't like the new J1s.

I'd be really honest here and say that I positively cannot stand half of them.
Imagine having to be with them 4 hours a session, 4 times a week.
NO WAY.

So yes, I'm really sorry, but I'm a selfish person.
A selfish hockey player.
A selfish nothing.

Right now, all I want, is to do all that I wanted to, but never got a chance to do.
Excel at the stuff I am truly interested in, stuff I'm confident I'll be able to accomplish.

Be a someone truly not confined to age old prejudices.
Be a someone I want to be.
Be a someone who's reflection I wouldn't frown upon.
Be a someone you could be proud of.

Anyway, cel, I'm really sorry if the scandals upset you a tad too much.
I never meant them in a maliceful way and I never expected them to spread so quickly and so widely.
If you'd like, you can start spreading scandals about me and Christian (even though he's my son, and me and him being 'together' is kinda incestuous), really, I don't really mind that sort of thing. Kinda used to them since primary FIVE. HAHA.

Then again, the fact that I don't really mind that sort of stuff kinda defeats the whole purpose of poking fun at someone and someone else being 'together'.
Don't worry, I'll try and find something for you to tease me about~

Scandals are SO amusing!
:D

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3:28 am