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Monday, October 03, 2005

Resolve.

How does it feel like to lose someone you've entrusted your whole future to?
What is it like to fall so hard that only a hundred prozacs could save you?
Why does the truth hurt?
Why do lies control?
Where do all tears go?
Where does lost lead to?

What is happiness when half the world goes on about being contented with what you have. While the other half fights for the truth, regardless of smiles or frowns. Thousands have told you the wisdom of a fool wouldn't set you free. That no one should feel envious of the happiness of those who live in a fool's paradise, for only a fool will think it's happiness.

Seriously, I don't know about you, but I like the idea of never finding out about certain issues like what is you purpose in life, what impact do you have on those around you , or even what is happiness all about. To me, that's a form of happiness.

Perhaps it's my refusal to accept anything that's fixed , rigid, predestined or 'right'.
What fun is there if there's nothing to search for, nothing to seek, nothing to fight for,nothing to rebel against,nothing.

I don't like to go to church.
I don't like school.
I don't like the stuff I read.

I don't like to have my thoughts fabricated by some faceless hands of those from the 'higher powers'. Neither do I fancy the idea of conforming to everyone else , at least not in thought. Afterall, with the limited breathing space we have these days, it's the very minimum I must have, air to breathe. It may not be super clean or speckless, but at least I have some space to muse.

A friend once asked me what happened to me.
Something about my sudden disability to mug as I used to.
Or that optimism I use to grasp.
Or even how much ambitious I was.

Well.
I wouldn't say I've changed cos I'm still me, still the same ol' goondu who lames and craps.
Same old gong who smiles at everything. Good, bad ,whatever. Habit.

But I guess I've decided that I don't want to live my life at the varying ends of the balance.
I don't want to mug, get great grades, almost end up at some rehabilation centre for anorexic girls and lose my friends.
Neither do I want to cry my night away become of some ass who ruined my day.
Nor do I want to encourage a fake oblivion.
Or to define another's values or opinions .

I just want to find that inner peace that does not compromise on everything that I love.
Kinda late for a resolution eh?

Just a little resolve.

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10:38 pm